Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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