dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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