The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
