Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
