My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
