Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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