I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
