so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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