Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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