i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
