my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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