The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
