tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
