rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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