I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Dicks are not precious.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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