You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
