if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
