I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
