i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
