well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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