i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
we should paint friendship bongs
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
