Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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