I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
