I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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