I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
