Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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