He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i dont even know how to be here
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
