My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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