Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
