I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
