i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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