thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
