Just took my morning after pill in the library
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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