i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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