the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
