how can u be prego again
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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