oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
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