Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I want her autograph on my taint
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
