put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
