He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
