ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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