two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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