They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
