Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
