Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
