i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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