mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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