when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
