I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
