Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
