Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
