Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
