I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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