oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
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