i may or may not be watching the land before time
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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