my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
