Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
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Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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